Football transfer rumours: Sami Khedira to Chelsea? - The Guardian

Southampton, the hipsters' choice de nos jours on account of the fact they don't let in any goals or score any goals, are to spend £10m on Cagliari and Italy defender Davide Astori. Milan and Everton are also interested in the centre-back who, if he moves to St Mary's, will be rebranded as a false 6 or a tackleista, the internet hasn't decided yet.

Barcelona were hip once. But Xavi and Andrés Iniesta are getting on, daddio, and they need some fresh ideas. Jack Wilshere is the very man, trendy, relevant, side parting, fag hanging out of his mouth, he's like a young Humphrey Bogart, and the kids can't get enough of Bogie, they're gagging for a bit of Bogie.

India is the new Australia, which was the new Russia, which was the new America. They're starting up a Super League, it seems, and having already got Peter Schmeichel and Marcel Desailly on board as managers for franchises that don't exist yet, now look to have convinced Kenny Dalglish, director of golf at Liverpool, to join in the three-month jamboree, which starts in January. Golf: the hipsters used to be into that back in the day, too. But they move on. They keep moving on.

So, then, Arsenal, who are looking to beat Internazionale to Barcelona midfielder Alex Song. What would Wilf Copping have thought of this modern hipster movement, do you think? Imagine watching someone explain the concept of a velocista to Wilf Copping. Imagine sitting back and enjoying that unfold.

Chelsea will dangle £32m at Atlético Madrid for Diego Costa, and make off with Real's Sami Khedira while they're in the city, nipping in for the German international ahead of Manchester United and Arsenal, presumably in the manner, yes pop kids, of a velocista. They really exist, apparently.

Liverpool want Verona midfielder Jorginho and Hannover keeper Ron-Robert Zieler.

And Southampton have had their Hipsters' Choice status revoked. People have been banging on about them for nearly a week now, they're old hat. Anyway, the hipsters have revoked their own status as hipsters. The whole scene's over, everyone's into modal jazz now.