Some people just don't get stuff. You know the sort, bad boys always catching their eye, hooway, hoowye, the bad boys, always spinning their mind, hooway, hoowye – and there's simply nothing that can be done. In 2007, Systematic, Hydromatic, Ultramatic, Nemanja Matic signed for Chelsea from Kosice, and spent two years performing the cube root of zero, making just two appearances – and one of those as a 69th-minute sub – before being dispatched to Benfica as part of the deal that inflicted David Luiz on the Chelsea back four. But now, as José Mourinho pursues his policy of aggravation by recreation, he actually wants to come back. Next: Asier del Horno.
And Mourinho's influence still pervades in Madrid. After Iker Casillas's hand was broken by an accumulation of dirty looks that put him on the sidelines for three months, his place was taken by Diego López – who retained it even after his recovery. Then, Carlo Ancelotti came in, and, as is his wont, saw no need to do anything that could be construed as something, even in the remotest sense – beyond eat, sweat, and eyebrow raise. This has caused Casillas consternation. "In September I wanted to leave and I was going to tell the president that I wanted to go, but I decided to be a part of this squad and this club for a lot longer," he magnanimously proclaimed – though has now decided that should the situation remain for three months, he will be forced to leave. This news has, apparently, excited unnamed Premier League Clubs into excitement, amid much excited excitement.
Staying in London, crafty old Arsène Wenger is looking at Roberto Rosales, a right-back who plays for the club formerly known as Twente Enschede – and is also keen on Genoa's Sime Vrsaljko. Only on Thursday, Wenger was to be found misdirecting the footballing world at Arsenal's AGM, where he pretended to claim: "We have to defend our style of play and values, that comes from developing our own players, with youth policy and that should be core of our club."
Elsewhere, face-waxing Everton manager Roberto Martínez would like Leighton Baines to stay at the club – "All I want is Leighton to be proud of being an Everton footballer," he said. Meanwhile, in a darkened bedroom in Kirkby, a man gently tipp-exes ying-yangs on a woollen Manchester United satchel, with Menswear playing in the background.
And Manchester United are also interested in Kurt Zouma, the St-Etienne defender, as David Moyes seeks to strengthen the sole area of his team not to require strengthening. Juventus, Bayer Leverkusen and Monaco are also interested in the player, his club are afeared that he may leave in January.
And finally, Leeds have moved to secure the services of their midfielder, Alex Mowatt. "Alex has got a year and a half to go here but he's done extremely well so we need to speak to him and his people", reckons their manager, Brian McDermott. Mowatt, he of the aforementioned "people", is 18 years old.
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