Wilfried Zaha has had quite enough of all this sitting about watching Andros Townsend being called good, and is ready to harrumph his way out of Old Trafford on a loan basis after being most emphatically sidelined at Manchester United by nasty David Moyes. The Mill has heard of interest from at least six Premier League clubs, which is 31.5% of all the Premier League clubs that could be interested, a statistical fillip for the otherwise ego-deflated lollipop-merchant. One of them, though, is Crystal Palace, and apparently he won't be allowed to go there – presumably because playing for Palace is the one thing more soul-destroying than not playing at all.
Newcastle, West Ham and Fulham are three-fifths of the remaining five. Perhaps Zaha could have a word with Chesterfield's 21-year-old Tendayi Darikwa, who, as we told you only yesterday, could be set to join him on a certain Scotsman's cold shoulder. Moyes is so keen on the Spireite sprite he personally went to watch him play at the weekend. Although maybe he didn't go to watch him play. Perhaps he went to watch someone else play.
Possibly he was nearby and just fancied watching a game. The Mill's source doesn't seem entirely certain on this point. "We didn't mention individuals," Chesterfield's chief executive tells the Telegraph of his conversation with Moyes. "Having said that, Tendayi did have an exceptional game so he can't have failed to notice him anyway." That'll do for us!
Real Madrid are touting Karim Benzema around Europe's top clubs, and Arsenal, as they attempt to raise money to fund an audacious winter Suárez-swoop. The Gunners have been informed that the new asking price for the French forward is but £20m, which is 33% less than Real paid for him in 2009, and 50% less than they were asking for him in August. This is encouraging stuff for the Gunners, who were previously reeling from the less welcome if not entirely surprising news that Barcelona's Víctor Valdés is planning to snub north London next summer in favour of Monaco's sea-view-heavy, taxation-light charms. Back to Real, though, and if their pursuit of Liverpool's errant Uruguayan should fail to pay off, they'll try to smuggle Sergio Agüero out of the country in his place.
Another European giant willing to sell a major asset to fund a massive bid for a Premier League striker is Juventus, who have told Chelsea they can have Paul Pogba for just the £40m, a handsome chunk of which they the bianconeri will immediately wave at Aston Villa in an effort to get the attention of Christian Benteke. Then, if they sign the Belgian, they will allow the unsettled summer signing Fernando Llorente to leave, perhaps on loan – and among the Spaniard's suitors is Arsenal, who would then have no need for Benzema, meaning Suárez would stay at Liverpool. But then Juve might not sign Benteke, because Lazio could beat them to it. Got that? Good. Back to Chelsea, then, and their Belgian goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois, has issued a use-me-or-lose-me warning to José Mourinho, as he ponders a return to Stamford Bridge at the end of the season, which – much like the last two – he is spending on loan at Atlético Madrid. "I feel like I am among the five best goalkeepers in the world," he trilled. "I want to play. I will not be sitting on the bench." Crikey.
Talking of Chelsea, John Terry's mum Sue, 55, works a couple of shifts every week at StokeMoores Traditional Pie & Mash, an outlet specialising in traditional British takeaway comestibles, in Romford, Essex. "Sue enjoys earning a living the honest way without a helping hand from John," a "pal" told the Sun. "Good on her for getting on with earning a crust." That may be some kind of pastry-based pun, the Mill isn't sure. The Mail, meanwhile, has a two-page spread devoted to pictures of the prime minister's wife holding handbags. There are 26 of them in all. It's really quite a sight.
Talking of Belgian players who insist on playing – and the Mill is quite certain we were, and not that long ago either – Thomas Vermaelen is willing to force through a move away from Arsenal in order to preserve his World Cup dream. Possibly. In a bit. "Of course not playing is not the ideal situation," he roared, before addressing the possibility of a transfer: "I have to think about that when it's necessary." In a similar vein, Stoke's £2.5m winger Brek Shea wants a loan move as he seeks to cement his place in USA's World Cup squad. And it looks like he's going to get it.
Elsewhere, there's news that Newcastle are already ready to trigger the clause that could see them snap up Loïc Rémy from Queens Park Rangers. All it'll take to get the deal done in January is an extra £6m payment to the Loftus Road club, and the more troublesome matter of the player agreeing to the whole thing. And talking of signing on-loan strikers on permanent deals, though a year or two further down the line, Spurs have decided – or, more properly, they remain decided – that Emmanuel Adebayor is officially and irredeemably rubbish, and want a new striker instead. The man over whose vital statistics they are currently drooling is Manchester United's Javier Hernández. First, though, they need to convince Adebayor to go to Besiktas. Or somewhere else. Anywhere, really.
And finally, the Swedish international, twinkle-toed winger and Malmö captain Jiloan Hamad will be available for nothing in January, a situation which is getting lots of clubs excited. On the list today are Fulham, Norwich, West Ham and approximately two-thirds of the Bundesliga.
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