Everyone's all excitable because it's April Fools' Day, with Twitter awash with erroneous rumours that Sunderland have hired Paolo Di Canio and Chelsea have sacked Rafael Benítez. But not the Mill. As far as the Mill's concerned, every day's April Fools' Day. This is just another day. That's the way it has to be, because it's the only way to stay sane when asked to write repeatedly about where José Mourinho's future lies, where Radamel Falcao's heading off to and who Arsenal are about to sell this time round.
You sure do need a sense of humour to do this job. Tee hee! Tee hee hee!
Anyway you'll be pleased to learn that the lead story right here is an original one. That's right, it's where Mourinho's future lies. Apparently it's back at Chelsea, which is interesting. Mourinho is going back to Chelsea. Have you heard that one before? The Mill hasn't. Mourinho's going back to Chelsea! Wow! What's more, the Real Madrid manager is planning to take Cristiano Ronaldo with him and will offer £60m for the star, which is an odd move when you consider that Chelsea are still responsible for Florent Malouda's welfare. Of course, the Special One's return is dependent on the Interim One's outstanding sabotage mission not ending up with Chelsea finishing outside the top four.
Manchester City have been "alerted" by a "leak" from Atlético Madrid's goal obsessive Falcao. He'll probably want to get that checked out before he undergoes any medical. City, who are hoping to ward off interest in the highly-underappreciated Yaya Touré from Chelsea and PSG, are also ready to spend £25m on Barcelona disappointment Alexis Sánchez, who has only managed to score three goals this season. Barcelona will console themselves by signing Michel Vorm from Swansea as a replacement for their current goalkeeper Victor Valdés. That League Cup win was all in vain.
Here's something that won't happen: Arsenal spending £70m on Borussia Dortmund's Robert Lewandowski and Mario Götze and Bayer Leverkusen's Lars Bender. It says here that it will, but it won't. For a start, Manchester United and Bayern Munich also want Lewandowski and anyway, Gervinho is on a hot streak of two goals in two games. Why would Arsenal even need to sign another striker? They're turning on the style when it really matters. The Mill is ready to accept that a move for Bender, a 23-year-old midfielder, sounds plausible though.
Newcastle want to sign "big rock" Kelvin Wilson, who is big and a rock, from Celtic for £5m. Hopefully their scouts have ascertained that he's not literally a big rock, although he may still prove to be quicker on the turn than Mike Williamson, who is tall and a leaf, if he is. Wilson, who has a number of insects living underneath him, impressed at the back for Celtic in their journey to the last 16 of the Champions League this season.
Stoke are after the Copenhagen striker Andreas Cornelius. Would it surprise you to learn that the 20-year-old, who has been busy scoring for Denmark, is 6ft 4in? Tony Pulis does have a type. In more striker news, Nigel Adkins hopes to be reunited with Billy Sharp at Reading, while Norwich are ready to let Grant Holt do one. Form an orderly queue.
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